The Modern-Day Ark

in Blog
Comments are off for this post.
"Apparently, folks are investing big bucks to be last in line on Judgment Day. Zombies. Sharknadoes."

“Apparently, folks are investing big bucks to be last in line on Judgment Day. Zombies. Sharknadoes.” (Steve Haefele/)

A news clip about a new high-endc ondo project caught my eye recently. The development is buried in a former missile silo. Apparently, folks are investing big bucks to be last in line on Judgment Day. Zombies. Sharknadoes. They’ll be buried alive in style.

I debated the opportunity with my boatbuilder pal, Ed.

“Remember Bert the Turtle?” I asked, recalling the film that U.S. schoolkids were shown in the 1950s. “While we ducked and covered, smart guys peddled private civil-defense shelters.”

“It’s a luxury ­market these days,” Ed ­observed. “A dumpster buried in the backyard won’t cut it.”

“Exactly,” I replied, wondering if it might be smart to ride out the apocalypse at sea. “Why not a traditional yacht?”

Ed was skeptical. “A trawler?” he asked.

“More traditional,” I suggested.

“Good God, Coyle. Not a damn sailboat!”

“Nope. I’m thinking an ark.”

“Been done. I just saw an ark on the news,” Ed said. “Something about rain damage. I guess they don’t build ’em like they used to.”

I pointed out that the build making headlines was a replica of a somewhat dated design.

“I’m not criticizing the designer or suggesting that a sheep herder was any less capable than a ­boatbuilder, but we’ve learned a lot in 4,000 years,” I said. “Just imagine what we could do with modern composites and gyrostabilized, ­fuel-efficient hull forms.”

“And the ­animals: two of this and two of that. It all adds up,” Ed said.

“Pets would be up to the ­owners, of course,” I said. “These days, they’d likely bring nothing along they couldn’t stuff in a pocketbook: small mammals such as miniature terriers. It’s a new demographic.”

“And if they insist on elephants and giraffes?” Ed asked.

“Onboard ­composting,” I replied. “In one end, out the other. Biofuel.”

“You know, a fella built a large yacht for just that purpose in the 1980s,” Ed said.

I recalled a client of mine who had also built such a boat. She had three diesels and a belly full of fuel.

“Ed, I’m not simply noodling another hardened mega-yacht with panic rooms, security teams and escape pods,” I replied. “I’m proposing a new yachting lifestyle.”

Ed wasn’t convinced. “Prepper yachting?” he quipped, referring to doomsday survivalists.

I suggested that we take a page from the folks pushing the subterranean luxury lifestyle on TV.

“Tell me something,” I said. “What do you call a condo with a swimming pool, a movie theater, a health club and a video game center?”

“It’s buried underground, Coyle,” Ed replied. “It is what it is.”

“No,” I said. “It’s second home for weekend getaways on the prairie somewhere in Kansas.”

“God didn’t tell Noah to build a condo, so perhaps you’re onto something,” Ed admitted.

Exactly. The plumb bow has already made a comeback, and 300 cubits is more than enough real estate for a pool, a rock climbing wall and a helicopter pad. Why wait for the water to come to you?

Share this article

Comments are closed.